Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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