I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
