worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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