He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
