I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
