Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
