he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
