So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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