woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
