it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
