quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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