I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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