1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
