I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
