I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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