fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
