Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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