Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
