the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
