She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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