Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
