The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
