It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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