I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
