I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
