how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
