Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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