I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
