yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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