Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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