Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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