So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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