it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
