So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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