I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
