It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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