Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
