I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
