I heard we made out
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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