Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
