my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
did you just send me my own nude
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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