My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
