Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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