Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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