nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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