If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
