Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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