are you still at the devil's house?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
