I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
