That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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